6. Did I Ever Tell You How Lazy You Are?

In this book, you’ll find out who stuck the cactus up Dr. Paul’s ass. He dispenses some tough love to the lazy people mucking it up for the rest of us. Dr. Paul explains the difference between “makers” and “takers” and how being a maker is preferable unless you’re taking business risks or making babies. Tony Robbins credits this book with changing his life and writes a moving foreword. (Ha! “Moving foreword” cracks me up every time I read it.)

7. Horton Deserves to Die!

Dr. Paul puts on his professor hat or outfit thingy- maybe a lab coat or a smoking jacket, I dunno- and does a case study of an affable, good-hearted taker named Horton. Dr. Paul shows you how we’d all be better off if Horton was dead. In real life, Horton is helped and in turn helps others, who in turn help others, who in turn help even more others. Dr. Paul patiently breaks down the cause and effect ripples and shows how not helping Horton in the first place, and allowing him to die, breaks this awful cycle of dependency. This book showcases compassionate conservatism, with a foreword by Peggy Noonan.

8. Green Backs and Hemp

Yes!, you think, someone is saying what I’ve always known to be true! Where can I learn more about Dr. Paul’s obstetrics?  Here, my friend. Right here. In Green Backs and Hemp, Dr. Paul outlines the fundamentals of a properly-working society: bling and drugs.  Dr. Paul educates the reader about how money should only be backed by gold and when we stopped backing money with gold, everything went to pot. Pass the weed, brah!

9. If I Ran The Fed!

In If I Ran The Fed, Dr. Paul educates the reader on the dire perils of a quasi-governmental institution tasked with conducting the nation’s monetary policy, supervising and regulating banks, preventing bank runs of the sort that precipitated the Great Depression, maintaining stability of the nation’s financial system, providing financial services to depository institutions and the US government, all free of political influence. As part of their treacherous and destabilizing monetary policy, the Federal Reserve is legislatively charged with keeping the unemployment rate as low as possible and keeping inflation in check. If Dr. Paul ran the Fed, regional offices would be converted into laser tag gaming facilities.

10. Fiat Money – Will You Please Go Now!

In this studiously researched tome, Dr. Paul explains how leaving the gold standard and going to a fiat money system is the work of the devil.  (Well, it was actually Richard Nixon but a little confusion on the part of the reader is understandable.)  When you learn that our money is actually worthless, you’ll be setting piles of it on fire and laughing at the horrified looks of your friends and family. Joke’s on them!

11. How The Central Bankers Stole Christmas!

Just in time for Christmas, Dr. Paul’s holiday classic exposes the villains behind the fiat money system. There are no creatures on earth as fearsome and merciless as the world’s central bankers except for Bond Vigilantes (not covered here) and maybe zombies. This book has a happy ending though: there are no zombies in it.

12. The Better Barter Book

So now that you’ve set all your worthless money on fire, you’re probably wondering how you purchase goods and services. Not to worry! Dr. Paul gives you the ins and outs of bartering; that is, trading goods and services for other goods and services. If you’ve ever traded sex for drugs, then you’re already ahead of the game. If you haven’t, Dr. Paul tells you how.